Chris Brown, 26, is telling all and coming clean in his new documentary Welcome To My Life. That means no topic is off limits, especially his assault of Rihanna after the 2009 Grammy Awards.

The nearly three-minute clip starts off with Chris reminiscing on his rise to stardom, and how quickly his life changed from being a regular kid to being one of the biggest stars in the world. Celebs like Usher and Jennifer Lopez make appearances to gush over the R&B superstar’s talent, but the mood quickly changes when it comes to discussion of that one fateful night.

“I went from being on top of the world, number one songs, being kind of like America’s sweetheart, to being public enemy number one,” he admits, as clips begin rolling of the abuse story unfolding back in 2009.

“I felt like a f***ing monster,” he admits. “I was thinking about suicide and everything else. I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating. I just was getting high.”