The Route and Robot Taxi Association of Jamaica (RARTAJ) has successfully lobbied the Government of Jamaica to legalize the act of overtaking long lines of “traffic-slaves” via filter lanes, then waiting on the light to change in the centre of major intersections.

“We have identified countless rules and regulations which we feel unfairly target our passenger carrying vehicles who break those rules and regulations on a daily basis.” says RARTAJ President Roland Matthews, who also represents the Minibus Association. “And we’re happy to see that after all these years of fighting, the Government and the public at large have finally caved in and granted us the rights we deserve.”

According to a press release by the visibly exhausted Minister of Transport and Works today, which began with the words “You Win,” the new legal regulations also provide for sudden stops on main roads without indication, the introduction of multilevel passenger lap seating, and the automatic creation of new third and fourth lanes where the existing two are deemed to be a waste of time.

“We earned this,” says Matthews, who has since organized workshops across the country to sensitize his association members to the implications and opportunities of the ruling. “Through these sessions, we’ve drastically reduced the average time taken to relentlessly honk other drivers, to mere fractions of a second after the light change; and our minibus conductors have improved the efficiency of picking up pedestrians by simply grabbing and throwing them into their moving vehicles on sight.”

At press time, the Minister of Transport and Works reminded the public that all passengers who intend to use the services of these vehicles legally will now require two officially signed and notarized death certificates, and all requests for taxi and minibus operators to “[expletive] their [expletive] mothers” will effectively be void from this moment going forward.